life is a balancing act.
ppl constantly forget, including myself, sometimes when we strive toward perfection. tt's why spore's latest slang 'beautiful imperfection' or 'beautifully imperfect' became a phrase tt managed to regain a significant space in our minds, compared to de other rather flimsy ones (tryin to be cool by using singlish hokkien etc.)
i was at a breakin point today. at age of 20 (dangerously close to official adulthood), i felt ashamed of myself. despite supposedly well-drawn life priorities, i found myself in a midst of overbearing frustration. im still struggling to adhere to my own guidelines. squinting at myself during many private moments after scheduled appointments, activities, lectures etc in silent disapproval, questioning myself whether it was fulfilling, assessing my own growth in every aspect, socially, technically, spiritually.. sometimes thoroughly unsatisfied, and hope that i wont spend rest of de day mullin over dat conclusion i made. wakin up de next morn, forcin better performance to outshine de muddy reminders of yesterday.
today was one such day, i was practically grittin my teeth throughout to vent my own dissatisfaction. a day where all my priorities clashed simultaneously, and de word DEFEATED is probably flashin on my forehead right now. aikido training inclusive of ah tian's black grading, clashed wif singing class, whereby i had to miss khloe's bday, thereafter marina barrage outing wif my uni-mates, with sandy's bday celebration going on at de same time, both till late evening.
let me just clarify.. i look forward to all these activities. i rarely go for smthing unless i feel sincere abt doing it. (unless its family obligation smtimes) i knew i missed out on a great training session after hearin ah tian's recount, i had a fruitful vocal lesson, despite bagging sm rather harsh criticism as usual, i regretfully missed khloe's bday, i spend a delightful 2hrs of ma life flyin kites & doing funny stuff wif my uni-mates, taking cluster model shots while lyin on de open field, silently admirin s'pore city skyline from marina barrage. missed another ktv session (my super fave) wit de aikido gang, but still spent a crazy dinner together gossiping & engaging in crap convos. i luv it all.
but i felt ah tian's dissappointment for not turning up.. as well as many others. i know i failed my musical pursuit for de day coz i aint relaxin my chords enough. i know tt khole prob think tt i m nothing to her. when i left early, i could see it on my uni-mates' faces, they prob thought tt i didnt make enough time for them...
sigh. i got back. im exhausted before even reflecting abt my day. i feel failed, and drained, yet my thoughts still twirling.. waiting for my intervention. was abt to condemn myself when i saw dat local video, some fella im grateful for posted it on FB. im reminded again, dis is wads lifes all abt, the struggle of flaws against perfection, and most imptly, de ability to seek how it balances out beautifully in between.
tomorrow's a different day.
You can't go on hiding yourself..
Behind old fashioned fairytales..
And keep washing your hands in innocence..
Friday, May 15, 2009
12:05 AM
happy birthday, lin quan!
lin quan is de previous vice-chairman of aikido @ tp. although he is a rather quiet guy, his presence is strong, filled with a lot of energy, and at times, retains great leadership & power. lol... de others r prolly laughin their ass off as their readin dis. but its true. my description is genuine. im so proud of all of u, ex-com aka de sai kang warrior members... =)
i din wanna blog abt u guys while u were in action, to avoid causing any impact on ur productivity. now tt u pass on & has taken a backseat like me, im free to shower uall wif all my compliments & grace.
i wanna say a BIG THANK YOU to every single one of you for committing in this club in ur little & great, self-sacrificing ways. without u, all de failures i sought to endure in what were de most low, pathetic, shameful... moments of my life - waking up in de morn worryin without any clear means of resolve, gritting my teeth as i tried assuring members everythings according to plan (when it was foiled) while mustering a confident smile, holdin meetings far from productive instead tryin to boost up de steep morale, tasting bile in my throat when smthing goes wrong yet again, prayin in my spare time tt its gonna work out this time... without you, it would all be flushed down de sewage system, along with de everlasting energy i thought i had, my overflowing confidence, my never-say-die attitude, my optimism, the trust in myself. thankfully, u guys came along, bore my failures, succeeded me by far exceeding de standards i initally set out for aikido @ tp, u helped me trust myself again, and prevent my reduction into a pathetic state i woulda been without you.
although i learned a fair bit from my initial setbacks, (once, with myself & my com. second, with an ill-matched team.) a bulk of my learning was taught from our working together. as i have said, prolly many times, it was a rather difficult, and frankly, the most difficult, to push you & everything up again. when u guys came in, de club was at it lowest point, we kinda knew things were falling apart. i decided to be open about it, though my poor heart i feared for ur departure after uncovering de truth. undoubtedly, my confidence was badly drained from prior failures, but it was my one last chance, last yr in school, i had no choice but to force myself to learn & understand how it really works 100% in a team, and how to lead those who trust in me in an effective & efficient manner, and most importantly, in a peaceful fashion.
although i did not manage to master what i supposedly claimed, i thought i still learned a great deal. slowly, but gladly.. i begun feeling tugs of process, capturing a light in ur eyes as u advanced forward to participate.. i rmb private moments after meetings, i heaved sighs of relief, silently appreciating every quality in de team tt help fuel de energy we need, gathering my utmost faith in you. we broke down de obstacles, little by little, subconsciously learning the ropes of effective management from each other without permission. plenty of ups & downs, its like goin thru de same rollercoaster ride all over again, but dis time it was even more 'thrilling' with more personalities on board. saw remnants of my struggling self on ur 1st wild rides, tryda ensure u wont repeat de same stupid mistakes i bore.
eventually, u went on ur own, practically flew above expectations. whenever i head back tp now, besides feelin guilty missing a lot of training with u... i feel SO DAMN PROUD of myself (not going to deny it), and of coz, i am ESPECIALLY PROUD OF YOU,
Sai Kang Club Com, always de No. 1 rated com. i truly luv every single one of you rotten. de experiences so many of learning thru our hardship, commitment, joy & laughter together are priceless, and would remain forever locked in a special corner of my heart. =)
your presence is a great gift. your success, a justification of ur hard work. i hope for generations down de road, our future coms would experience a similar success as yours, and continue to uphold & bring forward de legacy u left behind.
You can't go on hiding yourself..
Behind old fashioned fairytales..
And keep washing your hands in innocence..
Thursday, May 14, 2009
11:45 PM
i cant believe im turning 21 soon.
i can no longer live in the world of ma own without caring abt wads happening outside. it s like comin a slave to everyone.. IMMMMAA SLLLLLAAAAVVEEE FOR YOU... i wont deny it, i wont tryda hide.. de cold hard facts swinging into a sharp pang onto my 'innocent' soul.
cash. toys. boys. noise. bitches. drugs. come to think abt it, it has always been de same, but it never was in ma world, which would forever remain a wishful thinking in reality. i always wondered where i ll end up after smiling (not forcefully, i hope) at death in the eye, do i float as a ghost into vaccum & nothingness, or do i end up in my fairytale ending...
i decided to invest in my passion in music. it had always been my object of desire, my best friend to confide in my darkest moments, as with my happiest times. if i had to find smone or smthing i had ever showered with so-called unconditional love with, it is music. i have had a love-hate relationship with her, and still do. at some instances, im quite satisfied with my voice. at others, i rage over de lack of texture & seemingly whining existence.
i regret throwin it aside previously, in my foolish teenhood. i thought i was matured enough to accept de fact that SG is practically hopeless for such an industry, and won't be stupid enough to immerse myself in opportunity that bears no fruit. u cant grow strawberry outta de scorchin desert, can ye? apparently i was not. it took me awhile to realise what was wrong what doin smthing u love? why am i deprivin myself of a pleasure i seek so deeply? why not give it shot?
of coz, it would be a calculated risk. fall-back plans are crucial. im glad im venturing into marketing coz its smthing close i can fall back upon. least if it din work out, i ll be smwhere close to my passion. least i tried.
You can't go on hiding yourself..
Behind old fashioned fairytales..
And keep washing your hands in innocence..
your presence is a great gift. your success, a justification of ur hard work. i hope for generations down de road, our future coms would experience a similar success as yours, and continue to uphold & bring forward de legacy u left behind.