Ruby Jean Tan

2011-10-10T23:32:00.001+08:00

Finally I felt on track again. I'm not even halfway yet, but I'm on my way. I hope no matter how my mood swings I won't detract or retract. Things can always happen but my career can never wait for me even though it would never turn its back on me.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day. It will be another fight but I will be ready. I am healthy, young and positive.

What Are We Fighting For

2011-10-08T00:25:00.000+08:00

Reading about the departure of one of the most amazing men in my time brought tears to my eyes. Rest in peace, Steve Jobs. Thank you for making my world so much more interesting, fun and beautiful. Without your creations, my life can never be vibrant enough. I'm lying here with Steve's Macbook on my lap, and endlessly touched by the words that the press has been publishing about him.

It is sad yet inspiring how a death of a genius can be.

He made me stop and look around at all that I am doing now, and question myself whether I am living to my fullest. What am I fighting for?

Everyone fight for different things. And I believe Steve managed to fight for his cause. It is just unbelievable how life ended early for such a brilliant man who had barely started to enjoy the fruits of his labor. Then again, upon reading his words, it seems that death wasn't the end. Was it?

Death was the inspiration of life. He said something upon those lines. I just hope that time is on our side. Time was probably tighter for Steven, and I hope it was enough for him. And I pray it is enough for me.

There are so many things I want to do. At age twenty three, I have reached a phase where dream start becoming a reality, or it falters. I am glad until today I still have time and faith by my side. Time allowed me to walk this world, and faith that I have in my dreams.

I have reached a phase where I understand that I could choose not to abandon my relationships with my love ones in order to fulfill my dreams.

2011-08-29T16:16:00.000+08:00

Stop touching me.

If you do not feel anything for me, then don't treat me like an object.

Even if I feel for you, you never had a valid reason.

Single

2011-08-10T00:53:00.000+08:00

My life has been hitting rock bottom recently. Everything feels so right but so wrong at the same time I could hardly differentiate between the two extremes.

I am losing my sanity. Slowly, I am recovering but I still feel insane though it kept me alive.

Suddenly I decided to break off with Asmui. There is only such faith one could have in a romantic relationship. At least for me. Maybe I don't have enough commitment to carry through any of my relationships. Nine failed relationships could be a good testimony excluding the crap that I'm supposed to have more experience.

Someone else played the catalyst. Someone who I barely know, who I gladly embrace as a third party, who probably didn't feel more than half of what I feel for him.

I'm just going through life's daily motions now. It has been a month, and I'm still going through my daily motions without a proper thought. I'm lost and lonely. I'm turning out to be completely different from who I expected myself to be. It was a bitter surprise, and I don't know what to do about it.

I couldn't be bothered. It's time for me to be bothered.

I'm waiting for tomorrow. Please bring my feelings back to me.

Every Step Just Takes Us Higher

2011-07-01T00:03:00.000+08:00

Life has an expiry date. So there is no way I am going to let anything bring me down for a single day. Every step just takes me higher. Every mistake and every obstacle may seem to tweak me downhill, but I can only afford to accept it as a booster for my way up.

I tell myself this every morning.

They call it affirmation.

I call this self-fucking. Ha...

Irreplacable

2011-06-25T06:04:00.000+08:00

Apparently, no one is irreplaceable, not even you.

I found somebody else. No one should ever replace another person out of respect for the former, but I am glad to know I found someone close enough.

Apparently, I live in the past. Memories fade but they still haunt me. Every time I stepped into our training ground. Every time I stroll the paths we took together. Every time I had to retreat into my back of my mind. You loitered, flirted and remained inside me nevertheless. Although I had realized from the start I was never going to forget you, I could hardly overcome such grief. I am still in love with who you were, who you are no longer anymore.

It will be our new beginning. We can just remain friends and nothing more. Without starting, there won't be an ending. Isn't it less hurting this way?

Easy To Love

2011-06-25T05:43:00.003+08:00

Easy to love I am, he says
Easy to love in both ways

I never really got what he meant
The kind of feelings he had sent

I was so lost in his words, in his eyes
So playful, yet so serious at the damn same time

I wanted to know, but I couldn't ask
It seemed to perfect, we had let it pass

The ambiguity, the mystery
Our old flame flickers suddenly
Our unlikely history

A Different Love?

2011-06-20T00:55:00.001+08:00

I think it is a high time I admit publicly that I have been attached for the last ten months with my boyfriend, Asmui.

This is the first time I've ever been in a relationship for such a long time. Apparently, all my previous relationships only managed to last for nine months or less. There are many ways to interpret this. Perhaps I finally learnt to be more serious about my relationships, or perhaps I finally found the right person. I don't know, and I don't care how people will interpret this, but I simply follow my heart.

I had made mistakes in my relationships before. I thank my ex-boyfriends and the other men who had to put up with my misfit, and who broke me beyond repair. I don't hate you, but I thank you for being my teacher in relationships. I believe that is one of the most important reasons why I managed to stay with Asmui for so long. I have to admit everybody including ourselves knew that it was going to be a difficult, but I bet no one would have expected us to last until today.

Actually being in love with someone different is just like any other relationship. It is all about respect and compromise. Of course, problems exists on a higher level. Much higher than irreconcilable differences between two individuals. I shall not say more. At the end of the day, we still take it as it comes. 走一步算一步。

Who knew who was the right one until you try?
Only time can be the revelation.

23

2011-06-19T18:23:00.002+08:00

So I'm turning 23...

Among my closest friends, I am the last to turn 23 in September this year, and I seriously hope I could declare myself a year older in all aspects.

I am feeling the physical age, and coming into terms with it. And I hope I could measure up to my age in my intellect too. Perhaps it had been a horrible week for me, I just felt that I am still inexperienced in the way I handle many situations.

I went to cut my hair. Short. For the first time (in 8 years since I was 15), I snipped off my long mane to settle with a short bob hairstyle and relatively long fringe which managed to astonish my mum and my friends who caught my 'short hair' debut photos on Facebook a few days ago. I'm enjoying the astonishment.

To be honest with myself, I love the attention. I don't seek it intentionally. Sometimes it may have been the case because I was simply getting too comfortable with my surroundings. The truth is - I do not deny wanting attention, and when I do get it, I enjoy it as long as I'm comfortable.

With Mei Mei's birthday celebration last night, I have started to think of my own birthday this year. I have no idea what I would like to do. I only know I want to celebrate it splendidly to make up for last year. Apparently I had decided not to celebrate my 22nd to give way for my school projects. How absurd can I get?!? I will never ever come into such a conclusion on my birthday ever again.

Human Metamorphosis

2011-06-19T17:53:00.002+08:00

I thought life begins at 21.
I was so wrong.

Life begins when you start committing your life to professional work for the first time.

I have just begun my first official full-time job.
I love my job regardless of the lack of benefits I can enjoy in the relatively, young company.
Unfortunately, I am also relatively young, and with the recent series of unfortunate events, I'm afraid I still have a long way to go to maturity as a professional executive.
It's disappointing that I can be so disappointed with myself that I can do nothing but to swallow my own disappointment, and move on without a word more because I have already told myself the same thing so many times for the last few months.
It's like I fell into my own shithole, and no amount of screaming can help, except to crawl out quietly.
It's alright... I'm okay... I think I can explain.
People make mistakes. And I make mistakes. And I made it more than once. So please let me forgive me myself so I can face the world again to fight again tomorrow.

As I had said before to myself and my friends, in the words of a loser, 'Everyone comes into terms with their own mortality as they grow up'.

Alternate Government

2011-04-25T10:25:00.003+08:00

If there are no alternate governments, then I really wonder what elections stand for?

If anyone questions if an alternative government is sought for just the sake of an alternative, then one good question I'd like to ask them... Are elections sought for just the sake of voting for the same government? If that is the case, why implement the tedious and costly process of holding an election? Just to keep our mouths shut?

The truth is.. Singapore is becoming a first world country. Whether we like it or not, whether it happened too fast, whether we are matured enough to face it... We are reaching a new chapter, and I can't wait to see it unfold because somehow it will be Singapore's next chapter of change.

Change do not necessarily mean a change of governments. If I seem to lean upon the opposition at first, I did not bear the intention. Change will be the people's perception about Singapore's politics. I think it is a high time that the people stop taking the backseat in politics, and play an active role in shaping the policies that affect our lives, our culture and our place in the world. We may not be educated enough to understand how in the past, but we are now. Given a change in demographics of voters in the upcoming election, it is comprehensible for the present government to retort to many tactics (in which I smell a certain coerciveness as a by-product of fear), and how the opposition capitalize on it.

After monitoring the electoral news recently, I would like to share several observations which concerns me deeply. I stated them in a form of questions because these issues may have been addressed (hello.. who has the time to follow politics when it's work, work and work over here?) or/and are naturally open to debate.

Why isn't the media or anyone else giving a proper report about the electoral boundaries being redrawn? (How can Singaporeans develop a sense of belonging if we do not have a clue about how and why our territory was redrawn? Even if there was a proper report, why did the media conveniently forget to give a thorough review?)
Why is there an undue sense of fear present in not voting for the present government? Why is there a perception that if the present government loses it majority Singapore will collapse? Many made it sound this way, but in truth, will a new government be the end of this first world country? And if there is no new government ready to takeover when the present government loses credibility, wouldn't it be something else to fear about?

What is the most important is, everyone would be voting for the best of Singapore's future.

Love is a place. Show your love, Singaporeans! Cast your vote wisely for this young nation who grew up too fast but still beautiful.

Love Tradeoffs

2011-04-22T22:21:00.002+08:00

Life's like that. Nobody really knew what was right or wrong, and what is real and what isn't.
I guess the only way to live through this meaningless life is to make it meaningful. Everyone has their own way to derive their meaning as I do, and I respect that.
I can only respect how you live your life with your own interpretation of life, but please do not expect me to accept it to be mine. Because there was no obligation for anyone to believe in any way of life in the world where I was born and bred.
It is a sad truth to realize that sometimes love must come at the expense of another love which gave birth to who I am today. In this case, I still have no answer who should be sacrificed for the other. If love have to be such a pain, then is it even love in the first place?

Restrictions are but a hindrance to recognize how much of a weakling I can be, and how strong I can stand on my own. I have been caged my entire life and every time I get to cross the line, I learned something new about myself. It's always something bad but I'm glad to know it earlier because when disaster naturally strikes, I'll be too paralyzed to come into terms with my own darkness to react.
I do not believe in restrictions. But apparently, you do. Unlike most cases, I always have to be the one to compromise. Isn't compromise imperative to a relationship? Are we really in one?
There was never a line. It was there because someone drew it. Someone from long ago who never understood how life is going to be like today, because the ugly truth was - no one ever did knew.

Our Expiry

2011-04-16T04:14:00.002+08:00

Have you ever missed him so much.. You wish you forgot he existed?
Have you ever wanted him so bad.. You hope he never come back?

Have you wrote him off so many times.. Yet you never release?
Have you staged the end so many times... Yet it never come?

Maybe it was, it still is or it never been.
Love.
Who knew when it begun.
Who knew when it expires.

The New Ending

2011-04-14T15:06:00.000+08:00

Instead of a new beginning, why not call it the new ending?

I pride myself being left-handed because somehow I believe we see things in a different light from most right-handers. Sometimes it can be a pain, but most of the time I appreciate it because life is more fascinating when you are naturally born on the wrong side of the world. Right from the physical obstructions and mental blocks we face in reality, we still fight to live in a world of our own. And when the moment comes, we make it our reality.

Sometimes I don't really understand what I am scribbling over here. That's why it's all about the wordplay, pace and amplification. I specifically choose these three words to describe my newly renovated blog because it represents the world in my own terms. I never really understood the world, yet I had the feeling I was close. With those vague choice of words written in a book, the hastened footsteps across the street and how silently they screamed for help, the world is just another song, free for everyone's interpretation.

In my new ending, I decide to become a writer. I have no idea what I am going to pen down next, so I shall leave it to time and this blog to pave the way for the next breakthrough into my world.

2010-09-29T01:48:00.004+08:00

there are things that people do not like to hear. but sometimes, those are the things that they need to hear. do we have to be sorry about being truthful?

sometimes it is not about controlling others because you can never control them. the only thing you can truly control - is yourself. talking about the root of the problem.

2010-09-26T22:09:00.002+08:00

Apart from complaining about the masks, we have to wear it everyday. It's just how thick and well decorated it was accordingly to how much we could bear with the sham and our changing moods.

I have reached an age when I realize no one can run away from it except for fresh babies and those who lost touch with reality perhaps to their resignation and a mocking sense of relief. It was never going to be enough no matter how much they tried and the only way out was to snap out of the cursed reality where everything ultimately becomes no thing.

The only way left was to dwell away from their thoughts and beliefs which happened to be those which we had unfortunately planted on. We have lived better than yesterday, but are we living up for today, tomorrow and the day that we die?

2010-09-10T11:28:00.006+08:00

Before I realized it, I am 22.

Like Nolan's Inception, my life spun like a totem as if it was an interminable dream while I staggered through my 21 with much pain and pleasure, rise and fall, and triumph and self-deceit.

Somehow life got simpler while it represented itself in steeper dimensions of complexity. I am grateful to be able to appreciate everyday better than yesterday, to recognize the opportunities from my flaws, to admire other's imperfections, and how to complete those sayings that were left unfinished. And I know, when the moment comes that I stop learning these, I stop living. Everything came with a price.

Before I marinate myself back into the deranged reality of business (busyness), I would like to pronounce my love for you, who dug and restored my path, strode with me, met me halfway or incidentally bumped into me. Thank you for taking me through the beauty of life.

2010-08-02T17:00:00.002+08:00

there is so much out there to want.
there is so much you can have.
what happens after having it?

deep inside, we were always hungry.
there you have a progressive circle of desires.

the world is not enough.

A Girl's Hope (English) by MCYS

2010-07-21T18:11:00.002+08:00

2010-07-18T10:08:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wondered if a lack of possessiveness stemmed from the stream of disappointments endured and hence, deliberately avoided, or just a slice of temperament that somehow acts as my defense mechanism.

possessiveness has everything to do with disappointment, not love. you may argue that love is the very reason for being possessive, but i realized such a supposition was bred with a pitiful lack of depth. i refuse to exploit love as a reason, or an excuse, to forge my misgivings into an inevitable backlash in the name of love. disappointment comprises of a wee bit of envy to the ghastly manifestation of jealousy, the latter which marks the ugliest phase of possessiveness, contrary to concept of love. unfortunately, it was never a sensation that we could override, but a reaction which must be practiced to contain in our own ways.

perhaps i loathe disappointment so terribly that exceptional measures became imperative right down to every step i take, and every thought i entertain. don't expect too much. don't expect anything. faith comes by little by little, whereas hate looms exponentially. ready the box of anesthetic and poison for the last resort. we never knew what to do about it. there was never the right way as there was the wrong one like this. all i know is, if it works, and i don't get to lose my cool, it's right for the now.

2010-07-09T23:44:00.002+08:00

i used to denounce third parties.

the concept was simple. they ought to back off since it was not even legitimate at the outset. they ought to grasp the fact that they are demeaning themselves before it is too late to save their grace.

nonetheless, concepts remain just an exemplification that stands too plain to reflect reality. time have proven bitterly that my young theories are old and fallacious. i guess maturity stems from such aggravating lessons brought by time.

unfortunately, there wasn't a choice. by the time it came, it was too little, too late. somehow, we were brought up in faith of love. how are we supposed to know if a private investigation was imperative for being involved with someone we apparently trust? and if it occurred the other way around, we are presumed to be overly possessive and difficult. never had i tolerated the latter approach, nor do i want to ever adopt that scheme for a day in my life. on a discerning note, perhaps i ought to heed it being the practical cookie that i am, but i have my pride.

suddenly, i comprehended their dilemma. eventually, we realized how despicable it was becoming. we had a choice, they say, it was either to stay or to disappear. but they are wrong, it was either to love or to hate.

and the decision was based on whether i wanted the easier way out.

2010-07-05T23:54:00.003+08:00

fragile, yet beguiling torment.

beguiling indeed... i have just begun to grasp the heartfelt quintessence of that rendition. consequences had risen even before that irrepressible daze engulfed my ready blindness.

just a slight misgiving had sent my definitive lifestyle spiraling into a mere object of ridicule. my pathetic soul had once again become at his mercy. how wonderfully vicious. how viciously wonderful.

please. the last semester has just started. i shouldn't be brooding about anything else but.

2010-07-04T02:55:00.002+08:00

when the very heart of desire rest on a silent covenant, left untouched, there is nothing more than consequences through the irrepressible daze. never had i confronted such fragile, yet beguiling torment.

2010-06-30T01:59:00.002+08:00

i'm only human.

when i fall in love, it just means i have more capacity to hurt, and to get hurt. how destructive. why have i been making the same mistakes over and over again? why is everybody so sadistic?

a slight change of perspective would render the notion extremely wonderful. i know. but we can't run away from hurt, can we.

i'm only human.

is it the bitter truth, or just another lame excuse?

2010-06-29T01:20:00.005+08:00

the stark realization of being instigated from one quagmire to the next, while i brandished in the untold abuse of intoxicants and heedless twists with the old flame awhile ago, serves my pathetic, but blessed soul a wake-up call to treasure my existence after stepping out from that misery business.

months elapsed. visions blurred. my sentiments may recede in its violence, but those are the chain of wretched events that i shall never fail to remember for the rest of my life. as harrowing as it was, a milestone, which transmuted my swelling scope of perspectives, shrewd ideas and wary underlying beliefs. what staggers me is how it still manages to retain momentum in my wits today and offer brand new insights, which continues to scare me.

while defending my turf virtuously against a body of unscrupulous lowlifes, i was comparably buttressed by a contemptible rogue along my own flanks. i may claim to be the irreproachable victim. but being besieged by such cluster of scumbags, i may prove to be just another one of those rats.

it suddenly dawned upon me. the more i condemn and cursed, the more i sought vengeance in the name of 'justice', the more i drunk, the more i warped into his arch of solace, the closer i have became to the very ones i hate.

2010-06-27T03:10:00.002+08:00

our aftermath is our affliction. we asked for it, didn't we. we can't blame us. so we just fling another shot of sin, and we pray it doesn't subside too soon.

2010-06-26T02:53:00.003+08:00

it is no longer that simple anymore.

that is the inconvenient truth that i have to handle everyday as i graduate into the more matured version of myself. i do not detest the fact of life, but i definitely do not rejoice in its perplexing reality.

how i wish there is one day of the week, month or even year, to exist for our wretched souls to peel off that layer of radiant mask and romanticize in our self-serving desires without heeding the limits of whatever orthodox way of life.

i don't care nor do i want to start caring what others think about what i like, what i wanna do and what i plan to fall in love with. i'll never overlook my responsibilities to my family, my community... blah blah blah... but if i let responsibilities regulate my life passions overboard, am i actually living a life?

how comforting that i actually found solace in not knowing what i want. so i don't have to choose. so i don't have to suffer the trade-offs that my brilliant mind has identified for me. for now.

2010-06-26T02:38:00.003+08:00

a great way to blame him is when he is gone.

so he won't know that i hate him.

so he won't hate me back.

so whether he comes back or not, won't make much of a difference.

i know you won't get to read these.

i know you won't be infuriated for a single bit.

i know you won't believe more than half of it.

i know you won't let me go.

it was just too plain and simple.

2010-06-22T11:07:00.003+08:00

you are lying there devoid of any emotion.

it is another dimension of torture.

tempestuous.

fitfully austere.

a perverse threshold of anesthesia.

too much vacancy.

your moments lapsed without a tick.

your spirit bled without a tear.

your reminiscence echoed without shade.

your reality lustered without light.

she knifed utterly through your thigh of desire.

she fed miserly on your unforgiving sly and fathomless truths.

she is your drug.

she is your numb.

our aftermath is your affliction.

2010-06-20T21:24:00.004+08:00

i bumped into a secondary schoolmate last night. i was chilling with an ex when i met him. new flame? no, old one. how many? sheepish, but gleeful smile.

he meant no malice. he was only candid. the way i prefer it. for a first, i wonder what he thought. i wonder what they thought. it was none of their business, and none of my concern. nevertheless, it intrigued me how they discern me from another match of perspectives and creed.

i was heart-broken. and i had broken another heart.

you may have never perpetrated the latter. but we never meant the ache.

you may not deserve a single shred of my reverie. you may have been my most insufferable loss. you may have finally realized guilt from your selfish ways. you may hate me.

i thank you, ex-boyfriend. because if you never held my hand down the thoroughfare where you rammed me down, and dragged me up, i would have never relish the woman of the world that i have become today.

2010-06-17T13:45:00.002+08:00

any devout should not ridicule another's spiritual beliefs, for they shall be the very ridicule themselves. without question, there will be instances where an act could be unanimously condemned. however, where the lines are blurred, it should not be addressed with a resistance of other ideals, but an opportunity for unique constitutions to synchronize differences into consonance for the society's welfare.

2010-06-15T14:51:00.002+08:00

neither here nor there.

a choice should have never been made in the first place. it was meant to be recreational. i was supposed to ride along, not getting hitched. alas, my incurable psyche entrenched upon the foolhardy notion of attachment, only to endure a whirlpool of sentiment that left me paralyzed with the bleak realization of my ineptness and poor comprehension of my self and desires.

i am neither heartened nor chagrined to confess that i am still premature in the discipline of romance.

the more i knew. the less i got.

2010-06-14T02:31:00.006+08:00

at this very moment, i suddenly discerned the lyrics from a song, too little too late by metric, a canadian indie band. (you can select & hear it on my player now.)

You can burn your paper fingers in the ashtray

Place your swollen lips on mine
You can shave your heavy head in my carpeted hallway
Sure for the first time you're wearing the right clothes

Now take them off
Meet me on the band room rug
Tie my right hand to the ride

You can take a live wire into the bath with you
For a feeling you can't find
You can entertain your childhood friends with a tour of the bedroom
Laugh to erase the dirt on your mind

Oh let's move out
Meet me at the motel
Tie my right hand to the bible

Too little too late but we don't say no
It's too much to feel
Tie my right hand to the bible

it's much too much to feel.
tie my right hand to the bible.
i pray in my own way for you.

2010-06-09T13:07:00.002+08:00

i saw it coming.

i knew the day would come when all my blind adoration and vacuous heart-aching for you meanders into another origin of relentless loathing and unadulterated reproach. i never really understood why i said that things will never be the same again when you come back. but now i have begun to grasp the wretched reality of those words.

a friend of mine once remarked what about those happy memories. even when it dawned upon us that the union was no longer operative, should those glorious bygones weave another strand of vindication to hold on and try it out, again?

you knew the consequences. you knew they are my consequences. you knew my power, my fragile and my fool for you. you knew the aftermath of the consequences. and you knew by the time i knew, you are gone. and you are. you knew i know what happens from here. gone. whether it is forever, will be my call to make. it didn't matter much in your realm of misdemeanor and egocentricity. you knew i know you never belonged to me... nor anyone, but everyone else.

what about those happy memories. so much for it.

Only Human - Effy and Freddie (skins)

2010-06-06T23:32:00.003+08:00

i am a die-hard fan of British teen TV series, Skins. the video contains some of the most riveting scenes between the best loved pair of sweethearts, Effy and Freddie from series 4.

at first glance, it may seem pretty trashy. but it was that blatant trashiness that drew me into their mystifying world, intoxicated with their unorthodox ways of living. this could well be brewing within our reality as the new generation bear the ramification of their parents who are too caught up with corporate pursuits, array of evolving roles and stress, and divorce settlements.

these kids are fictitious, but it offers an unlikely solace for the kids inside everyone of us. if only the world is convertible, from reality to fantasy to crazy to whatever, i would give anything to indulge in the drunken state of sin in a world deficient of boundaries, consequences and reason.

2010-06-06T22:00:00.002+08:00

so comfortably numb. it's unsettling.

i had always been pushing so hard. if it haven't come to claim me yet, claim it first. deep down inside, i am more precarious than anybody else. i hate it when it comes, i have no way out of it. so i make it come prematurely before it did. maybe i am asking for it. maybe my pride necessitate the need to know it first. maybe my innate reflex that created such a disparaging format in dealing with those questions i can't answer.

when it finally comes. i have already formulated the best laid plans along with the likely physical, mental and emotional outcomes.

when it finally comes. i realize it changed. i changed. and i don't feel a thing.

2010-06-01T01:00:00.002+08:00

i have no idea what to do about it.

either way, i suffer. if i give in, i shall be miring myself with a forecasted disaster. if i give up, i know it is no child's play, and i may be trampling over what i may truly desire. if only things were simpler. it usually was. straightforward. uncomplicated. comprehensive. already had it all figured out. it may seem mundane, but i haven't started complaining. how did it become such a tangle?

i am waiting for him to come back. i am waiting to see the reaction. sometimes i wondered. what if we never pronounced those deliverances? what if those issues were resolved through other means? what if i never approached him to bail me out? what if i never knew the depraved climax of our twisted fairytale? he would have clung in my reverie deeply till the end of time. he would have remained the perfect lad in my memories forever. but i knew i meant to know. i could say i probed incorrigibly for every opportunity to bring him back. and i did. and in some rueful manner, i lost everything he was special in me after we finally reciprocated.

you'll never lose your place in my heart, but i cannot guarantee its depth. but it never really mattered right? you never belonged to me... nor anyone, but everyone else. thanks for safekeeping me, old flame. you took me through hell and heaven where i had fell and risen even when you were gone. you can't shine as bright, but i'll keep you burning steady.

2010-05-25T00:48:00.003+08:00

if they knew who i was, what i have done, and why i did it. they'll probably shun my lure. period.

of course, they'll never know. because hardly anyone ever cleans out their closet. even a thorough one cannot expunge everything. the rupture gradually proved to be a relief from engulfing my past pervaded with scores of ugly truths, hideous secrets and conceited excuses, forever embedded in who i am and what i was made of.

it was a new beginning. it was an opportunity to start afresh. i lifted my veil mid-way, in preparation for a full metamorphosis. but i was not guileless enough to tardily apprehend that there was nothing such as 'afresh'. whatever you made up of what you had, would irrefutably cling onto you endlessly. the sins you have dedicated shall sing evermore in your life story that would eternally return to haunt you.

but these potpourri of acts they coined as 'sins' and immeasurably denounced, how were they inaugurated? the interrogation precipitated from my judgment that those 'classified misdemeanors' are unnecessarily immoral. if both parties share a mutual consensus, and it does not cause any insufferable harm to either and other parties, i do not fathom how it is an act of wrongdoing.

no matter what is advocated, i persist in my perspective. given the context, a natural inclination and our flesh and blood, it is only human. definitely, there are acts which gather consensus about its condemnation. but what about those in which the lines are unerringly blur. perhaps those are the ones that are supposed to be peculiar to each individual because everyone is unique. perhaps you are measuring too far with things that are not meant to be measured.

whatever it is. i wish the next attachment would no longer instigate me to sequestrate from my partner again. i hope after that rupture, and having him capering in and out of my life as a sophomore fantasy come true, i have sussed out the revised criteria, and i better heed it.

and in his regards, i ought to stay away. for his own good.

2010-05-23T01:43:00.003+08:00

i always have had a way with timing and fate. somehow things work out by themselves after all. random stumbles. unexpected opportunities. fortunate accidents. frequently they whisk me by and i take it for granted, but when i do look back, i truly appreciate my lucky stars for shining during the right moments just when i truly needed it.

i had been lamenting previously about the unfortunate series of events that led to the end of my tenure with the very entity i pulled together over the last half decade. as i had vindicated, it was not unfortunate about what i have done in response to the unscrupulous deeds committed against my turf. given another take, i wouldn't change anything.

nevertheless. i never let it rest. perhaps it is the foul aftermath i experienced that bit me repeatedly. i was prepared to deal with the ugly, but it wasn't enough. i don't blame him. for he uttered everything i wanted, though i didn't need, but still... what i truly wanted to say. things they are not supposed to hear. things that supposedly deemed unnecessary, yet form the crux of the matter. i wanted to protect, yet it came across as destruction. i wanted to care, yet it seemed to illuminate hate.

i wanted to do more. so much more. i made plans. i saw it as another learning opportunity. but a learning opportunity for what? for statutory knowledge? or for reprisal? it didn't take me too long to realize that perhaps i was taking it too far. it reminded me of my younger days, plotting payback for the jerk who took me through hell. i didn't remember following up with the plan, but i did cash in on his mishaps somewhere along the way though it was nothing brutal. is this worthy of my time, effort and so-called 'learning opportunity'? is this what i was meant to do?

during the inner struggle, i stumbled upon one of the stars. it has been too long. i never realized how much they have grown. i never realized how long ago it was. suddenly, i realized. perhaps they don't need my shield anymore, and they can handle it on their own. perhaps that was their 'learning opportunity', and i shan't obstruct their fruitful journey, one which i have earned dearly myself, and one which i have constructed for them to experience for themselves in the first place.

thank you for telling me that i was missed. you have no idea how much what little you have said touched my heart and led my heart to rest on the most prodigious endeavor in my life, thus far.

It is not about letting go. It is about locking it in my heart and soul, and moving forward. Our five year love affair may have ended, but I will never stop thinking about you. May the stars shine for you, my love.

2010-05-21T00:19:00.002+08:00

first day of bleeding. nasty pre- and in-menstrual syndrome. one dose of loratadine for hives. one dose of panadol menstral. writing a song about death. sporadic insomnia. whirlwind of lamentations.

it sums up as a rather bloody day.

i can't pinpoint which drug or thought caused it, but i personally diagnose myself to be suffering from depression. i am drifting about without strive and color. i have a slight loss of hunger, and summon much energy to manage even a few-word speech. in spite, i carried on with noise & wordplay, but i realized it led me into a darker place. or was it me who led it lead me? i am uncertain.

i can't forget it. i can't let it go. so many things. so many people. so many incidents. so many affinity, lessons and remembrance. how i wish it was just another guy. i wouldn't have been more detached. i always thought losing yourself over someone is plain foolish. it still is. but i never thought i would lose myself over something. i didn't realized how big it had became, an intrinsic part of my life's fabric. i'll never forget it. can i ever let it go?

2010-05-18T00:38:00.003+08:00

i never left it behind me. it follows me wherever i go, whatever i do... those remnants in the form of shadows, casting its melancholy over my cheery disposition, or is it mine?

i am still examining the quagmire i have stepped out from. do i still bear responsibility? fabricated circumstances forced me to succumb to my trivial role as only an architect. the emotional turmoil i had to endure may be due to the unduly commitment and personal attachment on my part as a naive little foolish girl over the period of my dedication. however, i am no longer foolish enough to use that as an excuse for all the exploits, falsification and inconvenience caused in my turf. i will never forgive. i will never forget. for all the nasty schemes, distasteful remarks and shrewd yet petty, pathetic mental reflexes which i have silently devised over the last half, it shall reside forever in my mind.

it shall be one of the best lessons learnt in life. it may seem trivial compared to modern day working society, but it marks my debut on a much younger, naive age. despite grasping precious experience and knowledge, i do not owe it to anyone. i only credit it on my undying gung-ho, venturesome spirit which never ceases to carry my life into a higher standing. if you ever expect my respect or gratitude, which you so often tries to proclaim in vain, think about what you have done. you think i don't know, but i know everything. but you have obviously no remorse. i am probably sprouting nonsense which your pathetic soul cannot register. but old man, there is something you failed to learn in that cold, hard world you have fortified around your lone, pathetic soul - never mess with the young ones.

you can count on them to fail or chicken out, then step on it. but you should never discount the magnitude of their revulsion, and the things they shall be capable of. above and beyond what you have lost, you are brewing your own life-long tragedy. they may not bend on revenge, but you are unerringly propagating the very force you should not be drilling - brute force. as indoctrinated, it will come back to you one day, naturally.

2010-05-13T20:04:00.005+08:00

someone ever told me that they never want to read those diary entries they wrote because sometimes it brings back those bad memories that are best forgotten, because those negative emotions will creep back and haunt you again.

i agree with the part about the haunting. how the ugly feeling fills up from within. how the memory flashes back like yesterday. how it momentarily creeps into my conscious mind, and possibly consume me when i am unoccupied. how it is capable of shattering my esteem, and ruin my composure, for more than a moment.

nevertheless, i beg to differ about avoidance. perhaps it is in my callous nature to explore the depths of whatever that can break me.

i spent one afternoon reading the scribblings i penned down during one of my life's most consequential journeys where it was far, far away from my comfort zone. i was repeatedly irked, yet appreciative of my venturesome nature which pulled me through one of the more dreadful moments in my life. there were no specific incidents or particular person that could be nabbed as dreadful, but the collective acts of forbearance spawned the dreary feelings which eventually turned into depression.

i do not wish to ramble on about the oppression now. instead, i would like to credit the person who help me through it, even though it was unintended. but you helped me through the most. since i realized, i 'used' you to keep myself sane and continuously forward. you were the inspiration when i ran out of spirits. you were the reason when i lost it. you were the squeeze when i was slacken. you were the solace when i was desolate. you have no idea, or perhaps you do. but for now, i'll never know. there were so many things i kept inside because it was improper in that context. it was insufferable - those thoughts and feelings within, whirling and twirling, overflowing, but i just refused budge. i was insufferable - i knew, but i was too consumed with my inner struggles to care about how subtly i was becoming defiant and lone.

somewhere along the way, i lost that person. and i do not know exactly why. perhaps i do, but it wasn't enough a reason. i hope one day i could understand what happened, and make up for whatever misunderstanding or shortcoming i did not manage to discern even after re-examing those memories.

i was grateful for your presence. you definitely added the sweet, despite being the very source of bitterness. thank you.

2010-05-12T02:16:00.002+08:00

there are many unfinished business in this world in many lives who left behind. however, i believe in some way or another, it gets completed, with the sands of time. there are many, many sacrifices made, or costs incurred to put it in definite terms, that seems to go wasted, but somehow in some way along some space, it gets compensated for, or offset.

it is amazing how these or this goes on for god knows how many millenniums as human evolve into intelligent creatures capable of love, as well as destruction, while the 'circle' stays the same. i believe it is the very same indigenous 'circle' that set the world to the existence in the first place. we may think we are in control. but we are not. we are either riding with it, or fighting against it, and whatever operation we are engaged in, we shall come to our end one day. call it mortality. call it futile. call it a game.

with it, we perish. but without it, we don't get to live either. come to think about it, it never made much sense either way. then again, i guess we were never meant to know what was it all about - Life. it scares to think about the end. but then again, what is there to be scared of, when everyone else are in the same mishap anyway.

i hope all those sacrifices i made, and all those that my family, friends and beautiful strangers made for me, can be made up for while i am still around and kicking. nothing is more beautiful, not even those worldly treasures.

2010-05-09T20:59:00.002+08:00

it's not about winning. it's about feeling good inside, the sense of peace and dignity in what we do in life. it is all about the context, our own definitions and idiosyncratic measures.

even though the world seemingly looms like a larger evil, i will never forget that even horrible characters in our lives possess some form of conscience and would give charity in their own little ways, a side which we overlook when muddled in hate and vengeance. i always believe there is this lovely part of us that will always remain in our hearts beneath these layers of antagonistic characteristics we tend to cast on those who are apparently victims of nasty word-of-mouth and demeaning rumor. even if they are really atrocious, i would give the benefit of doubt that i may be wrong, and give them a chance, but warily.

perhaps it is such thinking that enabled me to harbor less loathing with the harsh reality of life filled with unfairness, deceit and lack of appreciation. and always approach things in favorable light, though with a deeper hint of caution each day, but nevertheless, with a positivity for a better day i manage to pull through.

i will prepare to move on. from one circle to another. that is how life is meant to be. a vicious cycle which only gets worse so it can bring out what is better in all of us. for all that we have done, we must have no regrets because it will come back to us one day when we least expect it. life is meant to be fair in this way.

2010-04-05T23:46:00.005+08:00

let me introduce effy jean.

she is a rebel, a bi and a music-druggie. call her non-conformist, but she lives in the world of her own. be that as it may, she has her own devastating grip on reality, and nothing like any simpleton nor some bloody fool. life's too stained to hanker for any dirt-free fantasy. life is too short to shriek about the cold hard truth nor does embracing any mortal-generated 'ideal' makes much of a disparity from the questionable authenticity of life. do not misunderstand, she is nowhere close to preaching her own profound analysis nor wishing to be tainted with profanity.

she sees, the harder you try, the more contradicting it gets. the unruly circle always coming around and going around. sometimes she wonder if it is coming and going wasted? we are naturally inquisitive as we are in our own ways as well as sinful. but how is it that we know what is a sin, and even judge others for the same fallacy we 'couldn't help but fall into it'. perhaps life is just plain loco, or the world failed to make any sense. perhaps she should just contaminate herself with the hedonistic pursuit of haunting and hollow guitar riffs and emotionally vacant lyrics to fill up the hole before she immerse herself back into the soil.

2010-03-25T00:20:00.002+08:00

life is an endless circle that widens every additional year you manage to survive the world which you never cease to learn the existence of more and more wicked things.

twenty one has been a period of great transition. everything in every aspect. i mean every word when i say i have grown older, wiser, soft yet harder, less energetic but more ambitious, daring yet with deeper hint of caution.

within the last few months, i have lost so much. i could hardly believe now when i look back how i manage to stand still while all those storms swept me like a female orgasm, again and again, in waves that overwhelm you, when you think it was over, it just gets 'better'.

i thought i knew what heartbreak was when i lost my ex-boyfriend on the last day of last year. i wept like a poor baby for days and weeks. it was a first, for a 'mighty lass' like me to tear like tap water. i loved him so much. i can't say i don't anymore. but i don't need to know whether i still do. there just somethings you don't wanna know so you can move on to be yourself again.

i thought i knew what heartbreak until i lost the very club i gave birth to, and my kids. of course, it ain't as bad as it sounds. my kids never disowned me. the club is still around, and in fact, it is thriving. my captain assured me. but i know it ain't the same no more, even though i gave in my all, including the very last piece of advice in defense of my brother and in my last bid to shield the kids from the same harm I had to silently bear with, i probably said things they didn't wanna hear.

my family comes first. for the first time, i registered how much they actually mean to me. i definitely never took them for granted, but i am beginning to learn how much i am willing to protect my own 'pack' at any expense, and that somehow measures inextricably how much i love them.

you may squint in disapproval, or shove me a look of repugnance, but you will never understand why i came forth to expose the ugly truth until you are in my position. for all that i have said, i mean every word, including those that he said. i do not know whether it was a blessing or curse, having him back again, but he uttered the very words i need to share with you deep in my heart. and nothing can describe how glad i was that he did it for me, and you heard it loud and clear.

2010-01-07T01:59:00.002+08:00

so much has happened while i disappeared from de blogosphere.

i realized my desire to blog stems from a sense of loss. like the inspiration for my songs, they roused from the loss of somebody or something important to me. at dis moment now, i m still licking the wounds that were cut deep, in which i stitched back by myself, and trying to not to feel a thing.

so many damned things. i wonder what i have done my past life, or earlier on in this lifetime, to justify what i am going through now. perhaps i understood roughly, but it still doesn't make sense. but what can i do. life goes on. i need to carry on, and be the person i wanna be, to reach the goals i wanna succeed, for my family, my friends.. for myself.

things happen for a reason. learning. today i rejoice at my ability to understand dis concept of life, and i daresay i am indeed a better person than i was yesterday, and i promise to always be the better person tomorrow than today. therefore, i do not fear failure, but welcome it, for that is what leads me forward, up to my own success and happiness.

i make sure i will never forget those who help me through the tough ordeals that life has challenged me with too. my friends, my families, even strangers who lit up my day with their smiles on the street when it was dim. thank you so much...

2009-06-02T19:34:00.003+08:00

"being conscious is a torment
de more we learn is de less we get
every answer contains a new quest
a question of non-existence, a journey with no end

im not afraid to die
im afraid to be alive without being aware of it

im so afraid to
i couldnt stand to
waste all my energy on things
that do not matter anymore"

when it is time to let you go, i guess i ll have to...

it s been almost a decade we've been tog. our relationship have had always been... love & hate, a friend & foe, a benefit & an opportunity loss... but no regrets. no regrets at all. you brought me so much i could hardly sum it up in any way.

with u, i grew. without u, i prob woulda been de same fool i was. but i cant be certain i appreciate dis fact, coz the fools suffer gladly, and the wise are insufferable. it was a matter of which side ur on, & now tt i know where i stand, smtimes i wish i never did knew.. coz de truth hurts, de stark realisations sucks de happiness outta u.

2009-05-19T08:46:00.002+08:00

i cant believe im becoming so long-winded. is it normal for an 'aging' young adult? i still consider myself a teen today, until 21. whenever 21 is mentioned, a long, winding path looms dark ahead. brrr...

it s interesting how independence & loneliness co-exist together. everyone, or rather most of us, at dis stage embrace it like a huge, shiny trophy after 21 years of running into, over & out of restrictions, yet unknowingly find ourselves engulfed in bountiful moments of loneliness. perhaps i m more melancholic than most, to notice dis sort of thing when i coulda simply juz ignore it, but i cant help it, coz it juz keeps fillin up. .. and i aint 21 yet.

aint worryin yet. gonna embrace it like any other.

2009-05-17T23:56:00.003+08:00

life is a balancing act.

ppl constantly forget, including myself, sometimes when we strive toward perfection. tt's why spore's latest slang 'beautiful imperfection' or 'beautifully imperfect' became a phrase tt managed to regain a significant space in our minds, compared to de other rather flimsy ones (tryin to be cool by using singlish hokkien etc.)

i was at a breakin point today. at age of 20 (dangerously close to official adulthood), i felt ashamed of myself. despite supposedly well-drawn life priorities, i found myself in a midst of overbearing frustration. im still struggling to adhere to my own guidelines. squinting at myself during many private moments after scheduled appointments, activities, lectures etc in silent disapproval, questioning myself whether it was fulfilling, assessing my own growth in every aspect, socially, technically, spiritually.. sometimes thoroughly unsatisfied, and hope that i wont spend rest of de day mullin over dat conclusion i made. wakin up de next morn, forcin better performance to outshine de muddy reminders of yesterday.

today was one such day, i was practically grittin my teeth throughout to vent my own dissatisfaction. a day where all my priorities clashed simultaneously, and de word DEFEATED is probably flashin on my forehead right now. aikido training inclusive of ah tian's black grading, clashed wif singing class, whereby i had to miss khloe's bday, thereafter marina barrage outing wif my uni-mates, with sandy's bday celebration going on at de same time, both till late evening.

let me just clarify.. i look forward to all these activities. i rarely go for smthing unless i feel sincere abt doing it. (unless its family obligation smtimes) i knew i missed out on a great training session after hearin ah tian's recount, i had a fruitful vocal lesson, despite bagging sm rather harsh criticism as usual, i regretfully missed khloe's bday, i spend a delightful 2hrs of ma life flyin kites & doing funny stuff wif my uni-mates, taking cluster model shots while lyin on de open field, silently admirin s'pore city skyline from marina barrage. missed another ktv session (my super fave) wit de aikido gang, but still spent a crazy dinner together gossiping & engaging in crap convos. i luv it all.

but i felt ah tian's dissappointment for not turning up.. as well as many others. i know i failed my musical pursuit for de day coz i aint relaxin my chords enough. i know tt khole prob think tt i m nothing to her. when i left early, i could see it on my uni-mates' faces, they prob thought tt i didnt make enough time for them...

sigh. i got back. im exhausted before even reflecting abt my day. i feel failed, and drained, yet my thoughts still twirling.. waiting for my intervention. was abt to condemn myself when i saw dat local video, some fella im grateful for posted it on FB. im reminded again, dis is wads lifes all abt, the struggle of flaws against perfection, and most imptly, de ability to seek how it balances out beautifully in between.

tomorrow's a different day.

2009-02-19T02:11:00.002+08:00

i dont know how long it ll take..
wadever it takes for u to leave..
wadever it takes for u to come back..

so many possibilities.. if i do de math, de map would stretch beyond infinity.

i ever thought wad if life was just a victim of an author's mind. i m just one of his characters in his story. my fate resting on his predetermined conditions. my weather changing drastically with his mood swings. my circumstances manipulated by his spontaneity. my choices, a painful repercussion of his creativity.

he ran me thru all de different possible choices at every crossroad of his own creation. he musta foreseen how it would turn out to be. or is he putting me on one of his possible scenerios and see wad happens now?

i wanna be elsewhere, on de other path, dude. i wanna be on de trail testing de possibilities with him. ya rmb? dat night you brought de beautiful stranger whom i could hardly cease hankering after eversince? why didya do that nways? ya tryina complicate my character now eh? am i startin to get boring in ur story u decided to shift sm scandal, sm emo turmoil into me?

2009-02-15T15:55:00.003+08:00

finally went training today.

it felt so right. familiar routine. new discoveries. up. down. hard. soft. affect. react. aikido share de similar fascination in life. always de same thing, yet always learning, from both sides, always sliding in between de spectrum of two extremes.

my seniors r goin black. haa..

2009-01-21T15:13:00.003+08:00

im feelin better...

im appreciative of all de work piling up on my desk. im satisfied im makin decent progress. im motivated to do more. im still sufferin from insomnia.

i watched obama's inauguration last night. sometimes i wish i was an american (but im also never more glad to be singaporean) so i could witness these historic speeches as i brave de merciless winter chill, to huddle in what tiny corner is left amid thousands of fellow strangers clad in t-shirts, caps, tattoos etc dat bore his name n face, who came together in a common purpose, to witness history in de making, and hear what proposals he who we shall be led, the promises he make, the hopes we trusted upon him to lift us away from our troubles, n feel dat indescribable warmth fillin in our hearts despite de unforgiving cold n de knowledge of those difficult tasks lyin on our paths ahead, n those ridiculous tears wellin up in my eyes while we nod along. yes we can. together we shall re-build dis world, not as it is, but as it should be. yes we can.

i hope he delivers what he promised. i hope those were heartfelt words backed by action, and not by mere rhetoric. although we are no citizens of his country, he would nevertheless bear a stake in our lives in every other corner of de world, as any other american president would, governing a standard of measure in democracy, freedom, justice, against anti-terrorism, national security and more... may god bless him. and may god bless the world.